Having spent some time with my Double Exposure-project and learned a bit of printmaking, I am now back in the atelier, working to finish my portrait of the two brides from the 1930’s. Although I initially enjoyed working on people and costumes again, one detail kept giving me nightmares: the second bride had a really unpleasant face. Compared to a pretty successful portrait of the left hand figure, this one seemed both incomplete and overworked at the same time, making the whole painting feel unbalanced. Now, I am not one to give up lightly, but having tried improving this face several times without significant success there was only one thing for it: paint it over and start again.
So, following a bit of doubt and self-pity, this is exactly what I proceeded to do… and boy I wish I had done it sooner! Some weeks have passed since I got rid of the old face – when covering up large details with oil paint you must be careful about allowing adequate drying time, and I am now making great progress with this piece. The new face is just how I wanted it: calm and soft featured, the perfect counterpart to my first figure whose confident form has hardly changed since I began the painting.
It is never easy to start again, having admitted defeat, even when you are confident about being able to turn things around. I was terrified the old face was the best I could achieve and that kept me from making any radical changes for a long time. Ultimately, if everyone was this terrified of failure, there would be not be a Guernica, or Sistine Chapel… no Jimson Weed. True failure is not about ability or achievement at all – it is what you choose to carry with you when moving on from an adversary event. In a society where an instant reward is expected to follow the slightest of efforts, it is natural to consider the absolutes of failure or victory as the only acceptable outcomes regarding work, education or personal development. In reality, there is a huge and productive grey area between the two.
If I would only stick to painting what I know well my work would be pretty dull. I paint high end goods for a luxury market so the pieces I put forward must be of a good standard, consistently. This does not mean, however, avoiding challenging myself or aiming to create pieces that are merely good enough rather than good. The world of fine art can be fickle; trends fly by and what constitutes as good varies from person to person. The only way I can be confident about my work is to paint to a standard where I am happy with everything, first and foremost.
There is still a bit to go before Two Brides is finished, but I am on the right track again. Being at peace with the faces, I feel optimistic about cracking on with other important details. Today I am particularly excited about the pearl embellished head-dress of the first bride and the second ones capped veil – small details that are suddenly very visible without the distraction of that awful face.
‘till next blog,
Tiina x
tiina lilja 
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